I want to verbally lash her with the f-word.
As soon as I hear her say, “I remember what it was like to date. I am so happy with my husband,” I want to beat her like Rocky in the title fight with the Russian.
You know what, go fuck yourself! Fuck your happy fucking relationship where you can hang your hat and reflect back on your dating life as a pastime. Further, take your happy fucking relationship out of my fucking face.
I have been told, “You are so strong.”
I can march like any 30-something woman and try to survive the campaign, I’m just investing in myself and focusing on my work now. But I know it’s stupid. If you offer to take my groceries, let alone mock me until I see God, then I want to be with you. I kneel to the point where I have astigmatism. I took all the steps to become an interesting person. I can also enjoy irony. The stark reality is that sometimes I’m more interested in the life I could be living than the life I have now. Nest by the fire kids because I’m about to outline Why Loneliness Hurts.
1. Dating: I don’t like dating. I hate the way we go from farm to factory in the 21st century. If someone had told me that the rest of my dating life seemed like it would never leave adolescence, I would have started a heavy drug habit a long time ago. Instead of handing over notes, I receive a two-sentence text message agreeing on the time and place of the meeting. I’m not sure if I should go on a date or think about where to bury the body. We’re starting off on the wrong foot. Shit, you sit and I drag my legs. The whole arrangement reeks of obscene ambition soaked in the mere effort you have to prepare yourself. And the stupidest thing is that I agreed and then posted my stupid agreements on facebook.
2. Facebook: You’re a motherfucker. I’m actually pretty sure there’s a fan page for “mother-shits” and I haven’t “liked” it yet. Thanks to you, I found and got back my first love, who is now my last ex. Thanks to you, one day I will be able to post my pathetic ramblings and hope that someone who cares will read it and, after decoding my carefully edited people, will somehow want to marry me. tag line, which is also associated with images of cats doing silly things. . Now you’ve done the stalking and turned my friends into search warriors scouring the sites for mail saying, “I want him back.” I wouldn’t have known my ex was in a new relationship if it weren’t for the status updates. You are taking passive aggressiveness to a whole new level. So thanks to Facebook.
3. Grocery shopping / weekly tasks: “Um, what should I eat tonight?” I’ll have a double mac and cheese with a table for one. Want to help get it to the top? “It’s great to have it. I actually cook, clean, do the laundry, balance the checkbook and wash my feet. It is very beautiful!
4. Other happy couples: It’s unfair that the representation of my crushed dream is to walk down the street and hold hands on the way home to have eight hours of amazing sex that I download from a free porn site and then turn off at five. minutes to see it because I feel like an alcoholic drinking alone in the dark cold with no loneliness. Bastards!
5. Masturbation: I’m a pro at hooking up and knowing what tools to use. But I spent the day just running my own business, cleaning my house, fixing my car, creating a sustainable business plan, practicing yoga, and eating right, and now I have to give up my own job? Suffice it to say, I was overworked and it became a chronic condition.
6. Activities: Apart from chatting, I prefer my partner’s activity. It’s Friday night and the pubs are full. Leave me alone in this bar and talk to my whiskey. No thank you. In this case, with someone doing fun things like adding ice cream to a cake; it just makes it better.
7. Creepy Guys: If you’re with a handsome guy who gives you six looks, you have a built-in labia blocker. No scary guy can get past your man shield. “Thanks for taking the girl, let’s go home and have sex!” If you don’t, you can always travel in packs of girlfriends only to have one picked up by the ever-heard double penetration guy.
8. My parents: If you’re single, this is standard parenting conversation. “How are you dear? Who is your boyfriend?” “Shit mom, I just came to borrow the Tupperware and yes, I’ll return it!”
9. Religion: “Remove. Are you telling me I can’t have sex until I marry someone? That’s like telling an innocent person to fight for infidelity.” I didn’t bend down to pick up the soap. I prefer to wash my body and want someone to hold me while I tell myself how hot I am. I have never read a single verse in the Bible that talks about this.
10. Divorce: Some people my age are married twice! They are like hatchery fishing and I have been ice fishing all these years. In other words, being single after marriage is a different story. I have the belt and saddle ready. Just let me know which of your lucky sellers you’ll be driving to the sun. Hey, bastards! But really, for a well-timed call…
Author’s note: Life is a parody of itself unless the decision is made to make it serious. Say what you will, and so will I. Thank you for reading.
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